Promise

My heart aches each day you’re absent

Forever wishing that soon you’ll be content

Without you, I’m in pieces

With every waking moment, my love for you increases

Be with me

I promise you’ll see

You and I can be “we”

Even though others say to let it be

But their love for you isn’t as deep as the sea

I have just one plea

Please don’t ever dispose of the key

The key that has access to my heart

One day I hope to never have to be apart

I believe we can have a fresh start

As long as you promise to never depart

Maybe

Maybe what I’m feeling isn’t right

But why are you on my mind day and night

I felt it before we even met- and every day after

So why must it end in disaster

Maybe we aren’t meant to be

But why do you keep returning back to me

I know in my heart that you are the one

So why is everything coming undone

Maybe you’re scared because you feel it too

But why can’t it be simplified to me and you

I have never felt so strongly about a man

So why is this not the plan

Maybe right now is just not our time

But why could I be with you for a lifetime

I know it’s selfish to desire a “we”

So why not give in and agree

Alone

There are days when I feel so secluded

Estranged from my own body, brain and heart

Almost like there’s a wedge between my brain and I

I can be surrounded by a room full of people that “love” me

And yet, still feel completely alone

It’s almost as if my brain escapes my head

And I’m left by my lonesome

My heart yearns for happiness

My heart pines for reassurance

My heart longs for love

I know I am not alone

But that doesn’t alter the feeling of loneliness

Sleepless nights

I lay awake for hours some nights just hoping that feeling will pass. The feeling of not ever being good enough, the feeling of loneliness, the feeling of never truly being happy with myself, the feeling of not knowing what’s going to happen in the months or even years to come.

I hate that I don’t feel like I truly live a “normal” life. I can’t go to dinner without picking at my food and not even finishing it. Not being able to drink my sweet tea or any drink for that matter because I’m terrified to swallow. I’m constantly checking my surroundings because I fear someone dangerous is near. I used to love driving by myself, now I can’t stand the thought because I’m terrified my car will steer off the road into a ditch and no one will ever find me. I’m always rushing through my shower because I’m scared I’ll pass out and no one will hear me.

I will never understand this feeling. I will never be able to comprehend why I have to go through these emotions. I used to love shopping, with my mom, anyone really- even myself. Now I can’t walk into a store without freaking out. Worried that someone might snatch me, or that I’ll pass out in the middle of the store and no one will be able to get ahold of my mom or my dad.

I don’t want the rest of my life to be a constant fear or a reoccurring nightmare.

I wish I didn’t have to live my life with so many doubts.

I have so many questions that I worry I’ll never get the answer to. I have so many thoughts that I don’t know if I’ll ever get them all out of my head. I am so angry. I’m angry all the time. Even if it doesn’t show on the outside- I am raging on the inside. I wear this smile on my face and make jokes and laugh only because I don’t want people to truly know how much I am falling apart on the inside.

I have tried medications, I have tried mental exercises, I have tried to redirect my thoughts somewhere else and it just doesn’t help. Nothing I have tried ever feels like it’ll ever be enough. I don’t want to have to depend on medication but I know that I literally cannot go through life without some kind of help. I try to help people who go through the same things I do, I try my best and I wish there was something I could do to help myself. I envy the people who don’t struggle with the daily obstacles of just trying to survive day by day.

My eyes get heavy, I’m endlessly exhausted, I cry at night sometimes when I’m all alone. The thoughts begin to race.

Will I die in my sleep tonight?

Will my parents live a long healthy life and live to see me get married and have children?

Will I get in my car tomorrow and get into a bad accident?

What happens when you die?

Why do people die?

Why can’t we all live forever?

What happens when the world ends one day?

Is reincarnation real?

Why do babies get cancer?

Why do babies die?

What if I have a seizure?

What if I just stop breathing?

What if I choke on my food and can’t get oxygen to my brain?

Why do I look this way?

Why can’t I lose weight?

Why can’t I have a pretty smile or perfect teeth?

Why are my feet always hurting?

Why can’t I fall asleep?

Why do I have this sharp pain?

Am I going to have several health issues when I get older?

Am I ever going to be normal?

Listed above are just “some” of the thoughts that run through my brain as I lay in bed. Every. Single. Night.

I don’t know what I believe in at the moment, I do think there is a god, but I have so many questions, and no one can answer them.

Sleepless nights

I lay awake for hours some nights just hoping that feeling will pass. The feeling of not ever being good enough, the feeling of loneliness, the feeling of never truly being happy with myself, the feeling of not knowing what’s going to happen in the months or even years to come.

I hate that I don’t feel like I truly live a “normal” life. I can’t go to dinner without picking at my food and not even finishing it. Not being able to drink my sweet tea or any drink for that matter because I’m terrified to swallow. I’m constantly checking my surroundings because I fear someone dangerous is near. I used to love driving by myself, now I can’t stand the thought because I’m terrified my car will steer off the road into a ditch and no one will ever find me. I’m always rushing through my shower because I’m scared I’ll pass out and no one will hear me.

I will never understand this feeling. I will never be able to comprehend why I have to go through these emotions. I used to love shopping, with my mom, anyone really- even myself. Now I can’t walk into a store without freaking out. Worried that someone might snatch me, or that I’ll pass out in the middle of the store and no one will be able to get ahold of my mom or my dad.

I don’t want the rest of my life to be a constant fear or a reoccurring nightmare.

I wish I didn’t have to live my life with so many doubts.

I have so many questions that I worry I’ll never get the answer to. I have so many thoughts that I don’t know if I’ll ever get them all out of my head. I am so angry. I’m angry all the time. Even if it doesn’t show on the outside- I am raging on the inside. I wear this smile on my face and make jokes and laugh only because I don’t want people to truly know how much I am falling apart on the inside.

I have tried medications, I have tried mental exercises, I have tried to redirect my thoughts somewhere else and it just doesn’t help. Nothing I have tried ever feels like it’ll ever be enough. I don’t want to have to depend on medication but I know that I literally cannot go through life without some kind of help. I try to help people who go through the same things I do, I try my best and I wish there was something I could do to help myself. I envy the people who don’t struggle with the daily obstacles of just trying to survive day by day.

My eyes get heavy, I’m endlessly exhausted, I cry at night sometimes when I’m all alone. The thoughts begin to race.

Will I die in my sleep tonight?

Will my parents live a long healthy life and live to see me get married and have children?

Will I get in my car tomorrow and get into a bad accident?

What happens when you die?

Why do people die?

Why can’t we all live forever?

What happens when the world ends one day?

Is reincarnation real?

Why do babies get cancer?

Why do babies die?

What if I have a seizure?

What if I just stop breathing?

What if I choke on my food and can’t get oxygen to my brain?

Why do I look this way?

Why can’t I lose weight?

Why can’t I have a pretty smile or perfect teeth?

Why are my feet always hurting?

Why can’t I fall asleep?

Why do I have this sharp pain?

Am I going to have several health issues when I get older?

Am I ever going to be normal?

Listed above are just “some” of the thoughts that run through my brain as I lay in bed. Every. Single. Night.

I don’t know what I believe in at the moment, I do think there is a god, but I have so many questions, and no one can answer them.

I just want to find peace, I just want to be happy.

2020, new year- happy me

I’m gonna do this a couple days early.

2019 was definitely bittersweet for me. Let’s begin with the sweet- I graduated from Ross Medical Education Center for Medical Assisting, I landed a job at a pediatric office which I am so grateful for- it just wasn’t a good fit for me, I started working for Mercy Health Gynecology and I am so in love with what I do and who I work with, I have formed so many friendships in just a couple short months with AMAZING ladies. I took my test to become registered and PASSED, I am an RMA. (One of my biggest accomplishments ever) especially since I know so many people doubted that I wouldn’t finish. 😊 on this side of things, 2019 was definitely good for me, but it also beat my ass with a baseball bat covered in barbed wire.

Here comes the bitter. The biggest and most saddest thing to happen to me this year was losing my dog Bob- I had him for 13 years and although I knew he was getting old, I just didn’t expect it so soon. We lost my uncle in September and everyone around me crumbled to mush. I broke my foot and was out of work for two weeks- I am not meant for crutches 😅 I lost two very important people to me, they had been apart of my life since 7th grade. I didn’t ever think I would never be friends with them but things happen and people show their true colors. I have lost people (bitter) but I have gained so many people (sweet). I am forever grateful for this past year but so eager for this year ahead of me…. minus turning 2 5. 🙄😳

My goal is to become more self loving. I want to love every part of me, not physically- mentally and emotionally. My biggest downfall is how hard I am on myself. I have been fighting demons since 2007. I am finally on the road to address those demons and hopefully sew up one very big wound.

Here’s to 2020, not a “new year new me” this is a new year, improving me, loving me, happy me, most importantly healthy me.

Here’s to slowing down and savoring the time with my loved ones. My babies are getting bigger and growing- I don’t want to miss anything. I want to become more focused and involved.

Cheers to smiling wider, laughing harder, hugging longer, and loving more.

💝

A piece

When I was younger, I always said, by the age of 20, I would be in a relationship, by 22- I’d hoped to be married or engaged, by 24 I would have kids…. well I’m 24 now and I’m single and have no children.

As I am grateful for not necessarily leading my life that exact way, it would be nice to settle down with someone and start my life with someone else. I’m happy with myself alone, and I don’t need anyone- it would just be nice to have someone.

It seems like everyone around me is moving forward and living the lives they’ve always wanted and I’m just stuck where I am, not necessarily moving backward just definitely not moving forward. I finished school and now work at as a Medical Assistant- so my career is on the right path and has leaped in the right direction- but as for everything else, not so much.

I have this idea in my head (I think every girl has planned her life since they were younger) that I will one day be one half of a whole. So many people near and dear to my heart tell me to “just be patient” “he will come when you least expect it” “it’s just not the right time” and as much as I’m sure they’re right, it just sucks.

Going to family events and all my cousins have significant others, and children- I just sometimes feel out of place. This isn’t me whining because I want a boyfriend, I want friendship, companionship, love, fulfillment. A man will not complete me, I’ve never been the kind of girl that needs to be in a new relationship every time she gets out of an old one and I don’t plan to ever be that girl.

I feel silly for being on dating sites, I don’t go out as much as I used to anymore, so how is one supposed to find their person if they don’t adventure out.

I’ve thought some guys were the one not every guy I’ve dated- maybe eh 3, and how disappointing it was when they weren’t. One of my favorite quotes I still have to read over and over some days more than others.

I am happy with myself and my career, I just feel like I’m missing something.

Destinations

I feel trapped some days. Not physically, mentally- trapped in my own mind. There are times when I want to scream because I feel like I can’t escape. I can’t escape the thoughts, the questions, the concerns, the worries.

I’ve never been one to consider myself a “depressed” person. It’s always been anxiety. Depression I feel is you don’t care about anything, whereas anxiety you care too much. I can’t turn my brain off most nights.

Being a 23 year old woman, it’s hard. Physically, mentally, emotionally and socially. You are expected as a woman to know what to say and what to do at all times. We are put next to such high standards. Don’t wear revealing clothing, don’t cuss, don’t drink too much, don’t get too fat, don’t get too skinny.

The truth is, most of us are breaking on the inside. I am one of the few women who hate to cry in front of people. I have to be really upset to cry in front of someone.

These days, I mostly feel angry, aside from lost. I’m angry because I don’t understand why I have to go through so many mental/emotional obstacles. I don’t understand how some people function day to day without medication. I don’t want to be angry, I don’t want to be lost. I want to know who I am, I want to be a happy and bubbly person.

It took me a long time to realize that happiness isn’t a destination, but a feeling. We strive to be happy or to reach happiness. Not fully understanding what truly being happy means. It’s a struggle some days to smile, to laugh and to feel happy.

I try to be so proud of the person I am, the person I have become and the person I know I’m going to be. I know I have a support system behind me, but in order to genuinely be happy- I know I must support myself, I must be proud of myself. If I’m not proud of myself, I cannot expect anyone else to be proud. It starts within yourself, it starts with you. If you want to be truly and genuinely happy, you have to start with you.

I’m working on it day by day. Working on myself and working on my happiness. It’s a work in progress, and to be continued.

The aftershock

As I have thought about writing about this for a very very long time. I decided against it more than for it. I didn’t want to open myself up to the world on this matter. However, I live with this pain, this disgust everyday of my life. And I will continue to live with it for the rest of my life. Even as I’m typing the words right now, I’m contemplating just erasing this and not ever speaking about it, but I can’t. I can’t bring myself to shut myself down once again. I can’t shut my mind off. The words will just flow like vomit.

I was four years old. FOUR. YEARS. OLD. I don’t remember the years before four, but everything after- is what stings the most anyways. My mom tells me I was a happy kid, me and my brothers all were. There’s pictures to prove it, however- I know things would have been different had the disturbing actions not happened to me while being so young. Actually it doesn’t matter what age it is, whether it’s 4 or 40. IT’S NOT RIGHT. IT’S NOT NORMAL.

My mom always told me she didn’t care if it was my brothers, or a kid from school, my grandpa, my dad. Any man in my family or any one for that matter was NOT to take things from me- especially my innocent little mind, my innocent little heart, my innocent little self.

I don’t go into details with anyone ever, and I probably never will. No one needs the details. No one needs to know anything. The only thing anyone needs to know is that it happened to me. It can happen to anyone. Any age. Any race. Female or male.

It was never brought up to my mom until I was 17. I’ll never forget the tears that poured over my face as the words spit out of my mouth. And I’ll never forget the devastation that came over my moms face as the words slammed into her. She didn’t understand because like I told you before- she always told me as a young girl that NO ONE was allowed to do that to me. If anyone ever made me uncomfortable- I was to tell her right away. And I did. 13 years late.

Everyday of my life I feel disgusting. Everyday of my life I feel violated. Everyday of my life I feel ashamed. Everyday of my life I feel embarrassed. Everyday of my life I feel the sting. Everyday of my life I feel broken.

The flashbacks hit me like a ton of bricks, no exaggeration- every single day. It’s not crazy for me to say that the aftermath is way worse than the actual events. Not in the moment but all the seconds after. The minutes after. The weeks after. The months after. The years after.

19 years later and I’m still just that four year old girl trying to make sense of it.

If it’s happened to you, you must know you are not the only one. And the truth is, the fear- it never goes away. The pain never vanishes. I’ve learned that after 19 years, it will stick with us forever. No matter how hard we wish it away, no matter how hard we fight. It happened, and because of it- we are different. Our lives aren’t shaped the moment we are born. It’s all the moments after. Some good, some bad. The bad is usually what sticks forever.

Being a victim of this, I should have gotten into drugs and turned to alcohol and ran with the wrong crowd- but I didn’t. I saw the opportunities lying ahead of me and went forward. I don’t like to dwell on it, but sometimes as I’m sitting in a room full of people, I feel alone. I feel like I’m four again and I’m crying myself to sleep. I feel like it’s my fault. I should have told someone, anyone. But being 17 and telling the people who mattered, some didn’t believe the accusations. That is called denial.

I have already said enough. More than I ever pictured myself speaking about the topic. Without me saying the words, you can guess. The more I’ve spoken to my friends and some family- I realize I am not the only one. It’s common and that disturbs me. I could tell anyone who’s been through it to just push the thoughts away, move forward. But we all know that’s impossible.

I feel it’s important to let the world know. Better late than never. You are allowed to be angry. But please from my experience, don’t punish yourself. Don’t blame yourself. After all, you did nothing wrong. You are not alone.

Stop normalizing abuse. Whether it be physical, sexual, verbal or mental. Let’s talk about it. “You will not be the keeper of the rest of my life.”

When I get where I’m going

When I think about the future- I really can’t picture anything. Not at all being negative, I just honestly don’t know where I wanna be in 5 years or even in 1 year. I hope to one day get married and have children- the American dream right? But I gotta be honest, I’m just not sure what I can hope for anymore.

I pray I find my soulmate. I pray I live a happy life.

I think everyone around me is anxious to see what I’ll do next, because I can be unpredictable at times. My family is constantly asking me when I’m going to get married, or “do you have a boyfriend?” The answer is idk (marriage that is). My question for them is why is it such a rush to find the one? Why can’t I just live my life and be me.

I pray my children are happy and healthy. I pray my children are loved by everyone surrounding them.

I have been around plenty of failed marriages and failed relationships in my lifetime. Does that mean I’ve given up on love? No of course not. Do I have my doubts? Yes. My mom always tells me that when I find him, I’ll have one of the greatest loves there is.

I pray my mom is right. Who am I kidding? She’s always right.

I am so beyond proud of all my friends who have children, pregnant or just in love. I wish them all nothing but the best. This is not me trying to bash them by any means. BUT I AM SO CONTENT WITH NOT BEING A MOM AT THE MOMENT. I don’t even know where my life is going at this point, the only way is up.

I pray I find my passion- before it’s too late.

Sometimes I lay in bed and try to imagine what my life will turn out like. Nothing comes to mind. All I see is a husband and children. No clue what career path I will choose, not sure where I’ll be living. But I will make sure that whatever it is- I’m happy.

I pray I make all my loved ones proud- whatever road I take.

Would it be nice to have someone to share my life with at the moment? Yes and no. I only say that because my life isn’t built up to its full potential yet. Will it ever be? Who knows? At this time, I’m content with being alone, it gives me space and time to focus fully on myself, my mind, my body and my future.