As I have thought about writing about this for a very very long time. I decided against it more than for it. I didn’t want to open myself up to the world on this matter. However, I live with this pain, this disgust everyday of my life. And I will continue to live with it for the rest of my life. Even as I’m typing the words right now, I’m contemplating just erasing this and not ever speaking about it, but I can’t. I can’t bring myself to shut myself down once again. I can’t shut my mind off. The words will just flow like vomit.
I was four years old. FOUR. YEARS. OLD. I don’t remember the years before four, but everything after- is what stings the most anyways. My mom tells me I was a happy kid, me and my brothers all were. There’s pictures to prove it, however- I know things would have been different had the disturbing actions not happened to me while being so young. Actually it doesn’t matter what age it is, whether it’s 4 or 40. IT’S NOT RIGHT. IT’S NOT NORMAL.
My mom always told me she didn’t care if it was my brothers, or a kid from school, my grandpa, my dad. Any man in my family or any one for that matter was NOT to take things from me- especially my innocent little mind, my innocent little heart, my innocent little self.
I don’t go into details with anyone ever, and I probably never will. No one needs the details. No one needs to know anything. The only thing anyone needs to know is that it happened to me. It can happen to anyone. Any age. Any race. Female or male.
It was never brought up to my mom until I was 17. I’ll never forget the tears that poured over my face as the words spit out of my mouth. And I’ll never forget the devastation that came over my moms face as the words slammed into her. She didn’t understand because like I told you before- she always told me as a young girl that NO ONE was allowed to do that to me. If anyone ever made me uncomfortable- I was to tell her right away. And I did. 13 years late.
Everyday of my life I feel disgusting. Everyday of my life I feel violated. Everyday of my life I feel ashamed. Everyday of my life I feel embarrassed. Everyday of my life I feel the sting. Everyday of my life I feel broken.
The flashbacks hit me like a ton of bricks, no exaggeration- every single day. It’s not crazy for me to say that the aftermath is way worse than the actual events. Not in the moment but all the seconds after. The minutes after. The weeks after. The months after. The years after.
19 years later and I’m still just that four year old girl trying to make sense of it.
If it’s happened to you, you must know you are not the only one. And the truth is, the fear- it never goes away. The pain never vanishes. I’ve learned that after 19 years, it will stick with us forever. No matter how hard we wish it away, no matter how hard we fight. It happened, and because of it- we are different. Our lives aren’t shaped the moment we are born. It’s all the moments after. Some good, some bad. The bad is usually what sticks forever.
Being a victim of this, I should have gotten into drugs and turned to alcohol and ran with the wrong crowd- but I didn’t. I saw the opportunities lying ahead of me and went forward. I don’t like to dwell on it, but sometimes as I’m sitting in a room full of people, I feel alone. I feel like I’m four again and I’m crying myself to sleep. I feel like it’s my fault. I should have told someone, anyone. But being 17 and telling the people who mattered, some didn’t believe the accusations. That is called denial.
I have already said enough. More than I ever pictured myself speaking about the topic. Without me saying the words, you can guess. The more I’ve spoken to my friends and some family- I realize I am not the only one. It’s common and that disturbs me. I could tell anyone who’s been through it to just push the thoughts away, move forward. But we all know that’s impossible.
I feel it’s important to let the world know. Better late than never. You are allowed to be angry. But please from my experience, don’t punish yourself. Don’t blame yourself. After all, you did nothing wrong. You are not alone.
Stop normalizing abuse. Whether it be physical, sexual, verbal or mental. Let’s talk about it. “You will not be the keeper of the rest of my life.”